Used to Be

I remember being more than a picture

Or a sound bite on the news

More than a moment in time

A body thrown away

A home destroyed

A limb of a broken family tree.

I used to be somebody

But life goes on.

 

I remember learning my mother’s recipes

And braiding my daughter’s hair

I remember kissing my husband goodbye (!)

And hugging my son before his eyes drifted close.

Shampooing my hair in the shower

Watching the sun rise and

Seeing the sun set.

I used to be somebody

But life goes on.

 

I remember being more than labels

More than words

More than descriptions;

Victim, hostage, elderly

Disfigured, harmed, collateral damage

Young, hero, feared dead, found dead.

I used to be somebody

But life goes on.

A life goes on.

And on.

And on.

Innocent

Where does the time go?

It feels like just yesterday

You learned to crawl.

 

Where does the time go?

It was just a week ago

That my baby tried peaches.

 

Where does the time go?

It was just eight months ago

I held you for the first time.

 

Where did our time go?

It was just January

And I was pregnant.

 

If I’d known I’d only have

This bit of time, a taste of joy

I’d have savored every second

 

If I’d known

I would’ve enjoyed my gift more

For hours instead of minutes

 

If I

Could have more time

…Please?

If

I’d run away we’d be safe

But I didn’t know

And we ran out of time.

Never Settle

It was like

When Peanut Butter

Met Jelly

Like

When Mac

Met Cheese

It was lit

It was fire

It was real

It was all

There ever was,

All there ever will be.

She was hooked

Like there’d never been another

Like she was closed for business

‘Cause why open the store

If nothing was for sale?

And even when he left

Even when his scent was washed away

Even

When the sound of his voice

Was foreign

Too unfamiliar

To be hers anymore

She remembered

What it was like

To be loved.

And that was enough.

So the girl

The woman

The lady

The auntie

Whoever she’d become

Whoever she became

Would never settle again…

‘Cause she knew now.

And the store couldn’t open

For just any old body.

Intersectionality

She was

A lot of things

She was

Proud

She was

Black

She was

Queer

She was

A Woman

All

As she defined it.

No one could tell her

She didn’t fit here

Or

She didn’t belong there

Because

She was

Herself

In June

July

And August-

She was

Herself

All year round.

A Queen

Through and through

A person of faith

Someone who knew

Who they were

And encouraged others

To walk this earth

As themselves

As well.

Black History Month, Day Twenty-Six - Fragments (Where We Were)

Inspiration Image: Kadir Nelson – “Cotton”

Writing Soundtrack: Childish Gambino – “This is America”

 

Fragments (Where We Were)

 

What I seen?

Where I been?

It all.

Right Here.

I ain’t never felt a pain…

I ain’t never heard a wail…

And the baby gone. 

They took him just as soon as they could

And she ain’t never been the same

I tried to fight

That’s how I got this scar

That’s why my back broke

I’m still out here though

They don’t care

Broken…

I’m so sorry…

What’d you ask me? 

Right.

A long time.

Long as I can remember,

I been here. 

…Light out her eyes,

Like looking in a black hole.

Joy of a woman taken…

They broke her.

Broke me.

Still here though.

Ain’t my time yet. 

It ain’t my time…

Black History Month, Day Seven - Night

Inspiration Image: Leroy Campbell – Carefree 

Writing Soundtrack: Boyz II Men – “Can You Stand the Rain”

Moment Captured: 16th Church Street Bombing, September 15, 1963

 

It happened on a Sunday, 

Hair bows and smiles flowing free, 

Mama’s apple pie still warm-

Prized possession of the after-church table.

 

It happened on a Sunday, 

When I was girl, and they were girls…

But youth’s never been enough

To stop the hate of a hater. 

 

It happened on a Sunday

While they fixed stockings and

Tied sashes and

Smoothed hair.

 

It happened on a Sunday

And then…

There was night.

The day was over.

 

It happened on a Sunday

And I was a girl

But they…

They were no more.

Rooting for You

We’re all rooting for you

We want you to go far

But don’t forget your roots

Don’t forget where you came from

But don’t hold it against us

Or let it hold you back 

We want you to win

But don’t remember our failures

Because when you win

We win

Although

We’ve done everything we can

To stop you 

From getting ahead

But let’s forget all that

Because we’re rooting for you

But if you fail

Well, we told you not to try

But you didn’t listen 

So if you fall short

Well,

That’s not our fault

But if you win

You owe us

Okay?

 

(Smile)

Okay.

Sure. 

Thank you? 

Pause

I didn’t want to write anything,

Because I didn’t want to say anything,

Because I didn’t want to feel anything.

But suppression of the tears didn’t work,

Because they were gathered on my pillow this morning.

And I wish I were this stoic character,

And that words didn’t touch me,

And that the torches made me laugh,

But I’m not.

I’m not that.

And I hope to never be someone that doesn’t feel but-

This one is hard.

And this one hurts.

And I’ve known for a long time there were people out there who wished me harm,

People who would never know me or my story or my inclination towards love

Because they don’t care.

They don’t care to learn, to know, to love.

(Pause. Tears on my hands somehow.)

They’d rather…I don’t know. What was that?

What were those images, those words- I don’t understand.

(Pause.)

Please explain to me why,

Because I don’t have the words.

And I can’t logic this away the way I did the election,

(Which hurt too, a different kind of pain, the in the blood kind of pain, the wound that never heals kind of pain)

Why they, how they, what they (they as if the other is just as devoid of humanity as they think I am)-

Hate fuels you?

How?

Because it breaks my heart.

Shatters it even.

Hate so much you needed fire,

You needed to gather-

Hate so much you wanted to get into agreement with other hate filled eyes?

Why?

What are you doing?

And I may be far away

But the planet isn’t big enough

For you to exist

In “one nation under God” with me

It doesn’t make sense.

I wish there were a pause here but my tears are gone.

And now

A different kind of thing is here.

I didn’t want to feel anything,

Because I didn’t want to say anything

Because I didn’t want to write anything

And feel hatred too.

(Pause for hands made into fists.)

And feel hatred too.

 

First

I'll never be your first.

And I'm okay with that.

I'll never be your first kiss,

Your first crush,

Your first love.

But I'm your only.

The only one smart enough to marry you.

The only one who sees your flaws as assets.

The only one who knows you are the most beautiful thing in the world.

I'll never be your first.

But you're my only.

The only one I want to spend my life with.

The only one my heart plays music for.

The only one my stomach flips for and my soul longs for.

I'll never be your first.

But I'll be your only.

And that

For me

Is everything.

My Love (A Divorce and a Wedding of Sorts)

We sat in silence waiting for a final signature, a final moment to clarify the choices we'd made in the past year and a half.

I knew you- I mean, I really knew you like you know the scar on your wrist or your favorite brand of ice cream. (You said it was Breyers but I knew the two men that had your heart, despite the rocky road you'd traveled together.) Yet here we were, a kiss away from goodbye and hello and I felt... Well I felt the feeling of loss and gain. I was alone and surrounded and all I ever wanted was my love.

My love, my love

After all this time I still want you.

No one ever came

No one ever changed

Your spot

My love.

And here we stand

Hand in hand

With hearts filled to brim

And dreams on our lips

And we say

I do.

I do, I will and I have.

For always.

For never.

Forever.

My love.

A goodbye and a greeting in one.

Between Heartbeats

Remember those times when nothing happened?
When we spoke in whispers because the silence was honest and we wanted both the light and the dark
The heartbeat and the moment between…
The silence.
I listened to you- my hand on your chest, your eyes closed in submission,
And I heard the things you don’t say.
The longings unsatisfied, the wishes unspoken.
Remember when it was just me and you?
Before them, before us and we…
When we became the silence between heartbeats.
The light and the dark,
The all and the nothing,
The whole and the hole.
Remember?
Me too.
Me neither.
Of course.
Of course.

Beat Lost

I whispered your name across a beat hoping we could meet somewhere in the middle.
A forgotten love song played on a stereo no one bothered to turn off-
In time that sweet sound blended in with the street noise,
Like tears that are swallowed up by the rain.

And if I had seen your face, if I had recognized your eyes and known that you wouldn’t be with me much longer,
Maybe I would’ve tried to play a beat you could move to-
Bought a drum from the pawn shop and ratatatat my heartbeat
Until you could feel what I was saying.

But as usual, I was too late, not fashionably so but held up by train delays, never could get the hang of those things,
And I stare out the window wondering what might’ve happened-
If I would’ve known the moment to let you in
If I only I’d found a rhythm both our hearts could dance to.

I Knew

I fell in love with you on a beach in the middle of July.
You were walking along the shore, letting the water kiss your ankles and the mist coat your skin.
You looked over at me and smiled.
The moonlight hit your eyes and they shone and I knew. I knew.
I loved you.

I fell in love with you on a beach in the middle of July.
You were walking through the sand leaving delicate footprints behind.
You said something that made me smile.
The moonlight hit your eyes and they shone and I knew. I knew.
I loved you.

That was many years ago.

And I love you still.