Haunted

Mary stared out at her students. They were waiting patiently for her to read to them, this grand story she had promised to share weeks ago. But right now, as she stared at them, her breath caught in her throat and she was unable to speak. In each of their faces she could see disappointment building, the same look her parents gave her when she told them she was going to become a teacher.

"Well those who can't do, teach," her mother said, laughing, her face so frozen by botox the sound was the only clear signal that she was happy.

"You know you'll never earn as much money as a plastic surgeon," her father, the plastic surgeon offered. "You should reconsider."

"Don't come crying to us when you can't make the rent."

"If I couldn't come crying to you when I was three, I'm sure I won't come crying to you when I'm thirty!"

The vision of the argument disappeared and she mentally returned to her classroom. That was ten years ago. Why couldn't she forget? Since then she'd always paid her bills on time, always managed to save a little- and most importantly, she was kind. And loving. And full of good advice and made people laugh. So why did she judge herself based on what other people said about her?

And it wasn't just her parents, although together they didn't add up to one decent human being. It was everyone that had ever criticized her, anyone that had reminded her that she wasn't who she wanted to be yet. Their words replayed in her head and stopped her from trying anything outside of her comfort zone.

"You're too fat." Mary lost forty pounds, hoping to finally please her very first boyfriend, and all she got in return was "You're too skinny. You don't look good." Mary gained back ten. "So I see you put the weight back on."

"What do you think of that girl?" This was from one boy to another in a high school hallway. "She's too tall."

"Who is better- her or your ex?" "My ex."

"Where did you go to school?" "NYU." "Oh. That's fun. I went to Harvard."

"Are you married?" "No, just dating right now." "Aren't you worried you're getting too old to have children? You should settle down soon or it'll be too late."

"Do you have a Masters?" "No, but I have my Bachelors." "You should really go back to school. Everyone with a job has a Masters these days."

"How long have you been out of work?" "A few months." "You really should've been an accountant. People always need someone to count their money."

"When's the last time you went on a date?" "Honestly, I can't remember." "Why don't you set up an online profile? Isn't that how people are meeting these days? Of course, I wouldn't know, I've been married for six years, but I read an article about it."

Mary's barrage of past backhanded insults came to a halt. "I wouldn't know." That's right. They wouldn't know. No one knows about my life but me. She stood up and the class fell silent. They watched her erase everything from the chalk board, a days worth of work. In it's place she wrote two words: self esteem. She clapped the chalk from her hands and stood in front of her class. Her class, that she taught five days a week. Her mother and father couldn't teach a bird how to fly.

"I know we are supposed to read this story, but I need you all to know something before you leave here today. The most important thing you will ever have in life is self esteem. And you have to give this to yourself because no one can do it for you. In fact, people will go out of their way to take your self esteem from you because they are unhappy with themselves. You have to know that you are beautiful, you are handsome, you are intelligent, and you have a lot to offer the world- the entire globe- no matter how many people are on this earth. Only you are you- only you have your gifts, talents and abilities. And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, you must know that they are wrong. You deserve to be loved, cherished and valued. If people want to be a part of your life, and they don't want to do this, then they do not want to be a part of your life."

She exhaled. All those people, words and "failures" left her body in that instant. She would remember those things, but no longer would they haunt her.

"Now. Who has ever felt like their self esteem was being attacked?"

Mary's heart broke. Every fifth grader in the classroom had raised their hand.

Disappearance aka Alzheimer's

Are you sure you want to do this? I mean, do you even know what you're going to say? You don’t have to do this.

Of course I know what I’m going to say! I memorized it. Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a pleasure serving you in every capacity known to man. You've given me countless moments of laughter, phenomenal stories, and let me lead you into an era of growth previously unheard of in our industry. In addition to all my success as your CEO, I raised two beautiful children- Ross and Diane- obviously, I loved Motown (hold for laughter). My children taught me unconditional love can't be earned, only given. The only person missing tonight is my wonderful husband, Tony. He shared forty five wonderful years of life with me- I know, he's crazy (hold for laughter)- but he gave me the confidence to be a leader, a voice for women, and to join Axium all those years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think of and miss you Tony. So I accept this award, not as an island, but as a bridge supported by countless beams. Thank you for letting me lead you into the future!

That’s excellent! Alright, they’re ready for you to take the stage.

Thank you! Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. I am proud to join you today. I believe in this company. I believe we have room for growth. My husband Ross always says we are beams. We are islands. We have to connect. If you give me this job, I will connect you. For the past fifty years I’ve connected to Motown, especially Tony. I have a great capacity for serving pleasure. It makes me laugh, and is a great story for later. Sometimes, it is unheard of. I have two kids, Diane. She is crazy. Hold for laughter. But confident. And a husband that is here tonight. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of and miss you. Thank you for meeting me in the future! Hold for laughter. Thank you Axium. Tony, stand up so everyone can see you. Hold for laughter. I want to go home now. Hold for laughter. I want to go home. Tony, I want to go home.

Thank you.

(For Grandma.)

A Red Dot

They never tell you much work it takes to kill someone she thought. She exhaled deeply, lamenting the fact that she did this, like all things in her life, alone. She slid down the wall to the floor, spent. Sweat beaded on her forehead and glided down her face, landing between her breasts. She smelled like a woman fed up- tangy but powerful; guilty but unapologetic.

She licked her lips and tasted blood; the skin was split. He did it, she thought. He got one last hit in. Just like he said he would. Glancing over at his body, she swelled with pride- the giant had fallen. He’d been larger than life in their studio apartment, taking up all of her space. She hadn’t had room to breathe in four years. His weight, his size, suffocated her all day, all the time. Even when she wasn’t home. Not surprisingly he’d gotten into the habit of tracking her cell phone. Countless times before this she’d gotten the same visual- her as a tiny red dot under his finger and watchful eye. Every step, every stop, every pause, was judged by this pseudo-god and made her hesitate at every turn. Should she go to the fruit stand or the supermarket? A pause. A hesitation. She lived like a dot waiting for his finger to prod her along. But tonight was a turning point. Tonight she became the finger and the dot.

Loud banging interrupted her thoughts.
“Police! Open up!”
Tonight she became the finger and the dot.
“Police! Open the door or we’ll break it down!”
Tonight she became the finger and the dot.
She’d finally taken back her life. As she rose to her feet for the final time as a free woman, she had an ironic thought.
She’d only had to lose her life to get it back.

Breathless

He paced the floor in front of her, back and forth, back and forth, his heels pounding the wood as the light bounced off the black leather of his shoes and landed in her eyes. He wanted to rant and rave at her, yell at her all night until she got it. But that wouldn’t work with this woman. She was stubborn, she was headstrong, and she wasn’t intimidated by a man. Even if the man were her boss, even if that man were one of the richest men in America. Even now she sat composed- legs crossed, comfortable. Her skin glowed, her hair shone, her tailored dress catered to every curve life had thrown at her. She was beautiful in a way that left him breathless. Her hands resting in her lap, her eyes shifted only to watch him pace. She said nothing. She was unapologetic, and that made him angrier.
“You don’t have anything to say?”
“No.”
“Not even an apology?”
“No.”
“No?”
“No. I’m not sorry. She needed to hear the truth. I told her. What is there for me to be sorry about?”
He stopped and turned to face her. Where had she come from? She looked like an angel but worked like the devil. For all his moral grand standing, he knew she was right. But he couldn’t let her know that.
“You realize this is a business?”
“I do.”
“We’re here to make money preferably without destroying lives in the process.”
“I don’t think this will cost us anything. And if you know anything about me, you know I always turn a profit."
This woman, he thought. She knew exactly what to say. He stared at her, and a smirk crossed her face. Turning his back, he dismissed her.
“I’ll have to think about your future with this company. We’ll discuss this further tomorrow.”
She stood up to exit, but paused with her hand on the doorknob.
“Your mother may run this company but she doesn’t run my relationship. If I want a moment alone with my husband, I’m going to take it. And I don’t need her permission to do so. I truly hope we can work this out. But if not, you know where to find me.”
She opened the door to leave and walked into the deserted hallway. From here she could see that the sun had set leaving nothing but the moon and the occasional desk lamp to light the corridor. Before the door could close completely, she heard his voice whisper her name softly. She turned to look at him. And even after fifteen years of marriage, his face took her breath away.

Shortcomings

Shortcomings. The word banged around her head, beating itself like a drum. For the past half hour she replayed the word, tasted it on the back of her tongue, and if not for extreme self-discipline, the word would have escaped her lips a thousand times. Shortcomings. She was inadequate. Not good enough. He'd measured her spirit and after ten years he found her lacking.

She had walked in a circle and found herself outside their three bedroom home. Staring up at it, she wondered if her "shortcomings" had been so visible to him the day they chose this house. Or what about when she lost her job, and didn't find a new one for six months? Was that time period a part of her shortcomings? Was a spell of unemployment a part of her inadequacies? Muttering under her breath, she unlocked the front door, and was immediately hit with a wave of nausea. The fight was still fresh, her last words hung in the air and stunk, the smell stinging her eyes like peeled onions. "But I loved you." It hurt. The vulnerability of that phrase, the pleading, the begging to be loved. It embarrassed her, especially when she realized that that love was included in her shortcomings. Whatever she had to offer, it simply wasn't enough.

Sitting on the sofa, she weighed her options. The decision came down to two simple questions. One, could she repair her inadequacies? And two, most importantly, was she willing? If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, maybe she just needed someone else to behold her.

She walked to the bedroom and started packing. If someone can't see you after ten years, they won't be able to in twelve, fifteen or twenty. Overnight bag slung over her shoulder, she left a note that simply stated "my shortcomings and I will see you in court."

The Happiest Birthday

The man brushed the snow from his shoulders and stomped his feet on the outside porch rug. He could hear laughter and talking coming from inside of the house and it brought a smile to his face. The voice of a woman intermingled with those of three small children- the oldest, a girl age seven and two younger boys ages six and three. He took a moment to breathe in the cold night air and bask in the fruits of his labor. The shoveled walk was his doing. Ordinarily he paid a young neighbor to clear his drive, but this night was special. It was his fortieth birthday. He wanted to have this moment to take stock of how far his life had come and what was yet to be achieved.

He'd knocked off a good portion of his life's checklist. Get married, check. Not just to anyone, but to the love of his life. He'd waited long enough to meet her that when she arrived he'd reach the point where he refused to settle if a woman came along and she wasn't it. There were many options, some he surely could've been happy with, but there was always something that made him second guess them... until her. She caught him completely off guard. Even though he'd felt sure his heart was impervious, he found himself thinking of ways to make her happy, and worrying about her in a way that was so new and different he initially rejected it. Now, he couldn't imagine his life any other way. She was exactly what a wife should be, and suited him well. She was a friend when he needed one, a confidante at all times, and the person he had the most fun with. He thought of her as soon as he woke up and she was his last thought as he fell asleep. Together, they were unstoppable. Once he realized she was it, marrying her, building a life with her, became the easiest choice he'd ever made.

Together, they made three beautiful children. His daughter was sassy and sweet- the kind of girl that makes it hard not to laugh while you punish her. Many nights he and his wife cheerfully recalled her antics. She had taught him to love in a way that made his heart feel ten times bigger than ever before. So when her brothers arrived, he welcomed them into his life in a way that surprised him. Standing outside, breathing in the night air, tears sprang to his eyes. He had a family. Just when he thought he might be a bachelor forever, he became a family man. And he'd never been happier.

He looked out at the quiet neighborhood, still except for the occasional car driving by. His car in the driveway, his family in the house... he was content. He took one last breath, smiled and headed inside. Greeted by squeals of "Dad!" and the warm smile of his wife, it was the happiest birthday he could remember.

On the M Train

A young man with his own sense of style sat on the train like everyone else. Large white tank, black jeans cuffed high, just the right length to show off the perfect socks and pointed shoes that complete his ensemble. Bad skin, but the type that will fade in a year or two with a mother's tlc. He was cool- confident even- until another guy entered. This guy... now he was the type of guy that makes you cut class and smoke behind the bleachers. (Even though you're a non smoker that
hates missing English.) He sauntered to the middle of the car, fondling a cigarette between his fingers, taking the occasional faux puff for emphasis. Pacing in Nike airs, baggy moss green khakis and a store bought letter man's jacket, he annoyed our protagonist from the moment of entry. White t-shirt shook his head repeatedly, looking as though he swallowed a bad thought he wished to swing free. He looked away to prove he didn't care, only to glance back hungrily for any detail he
might've missed. Shoulder length hair, cut in a shaggy style. Look away. Glance back- black t-shirt that matches the red, black and white Nikes. A shake of the head...a puff... a frown... a pace... a glance... repeat. Repeat repeat.

For the first time in my life, I wished I were a mind reader.